i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The air was thick with penises
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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