my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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