you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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