Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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