My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We talked him into tasing himself.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
