My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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