Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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