Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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