Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
