Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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