There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
