i love accidental penises.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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