My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
