I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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