What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Watching her eat just hurts me
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
