Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize