Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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