community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
