Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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