i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
organizing the empties. That sober.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
