just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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