dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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