you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize