The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
