My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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