My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
