i just had sex bonerless
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
