You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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