I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
