i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
