you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
