My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize