Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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