So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
