Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Is it because I queefed?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
