That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
