After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
