I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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