It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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