i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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