my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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