I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
