I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This is classic penis vs brain.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
