After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
