He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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