I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
