pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
