I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
