i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
