So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
