I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
