Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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