I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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