Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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