On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
