I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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