honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
